I know to be a writer, one must write. My self-censorship is a roadblock, correction, a hurdle. Something that can be overcome. Everywhere I read that writing is hard even for those who make a living at it. That there is desperation with the blank page. That there is solitude and doubt. I must ask myself, how is that different than my life without writing? I doubt constantly, I fear permanence. That once an idea is out there, that someone will recognize I have no right to be commenting on whatever it is I’m commenting on. Paralyzed before even starting.
And I KNOW that is all a bunch of bullshit. I’m standing in my own way. Is there anything more frustrating than that?
Imagine a copy of yourself standing physically in front of you telling you that you can’t move past them. Actively blocking to counter your attempts to step around them. How long would you let this go on? Would you meekly shrink from this version of yourself, obviously stronger and more determined than you. Or would you at some point be fed up enough that you leaned back and with all the force you’ve ever known, knock them down?
Odds are you have been dancing with this version of yourself for years. I have. Why are they so strong and you so seemingly unable to muster the strength to punch or kick your way past them? Like in a passive-aggressive dream you try to punch but everything goes in slow motion and you never actually connect.
The truth is, this person in front of you, is you. For some reason they are strong enough to stand in your way, but that strength is yours as well. Everything they have in the persistence department, you have. All that stubborn determination to talk you out of whatever it is you want to do, is yours.
So kick, punch, shove, go for the soft spots. Knock them down.
If you’re able to get past them, even for a minute, you’ll feel better. You’ll probably be even more scared than you were when they were busy keeping you in your comfort zone but that is because this is somewhere new. Like any travel it takes a bit to find your bearings in new lands. Just remember this, it gets better.
Be aware, this is not a one time battle. This is an ongoing fight. Be brave. This obstructing version of yourself will get back up, over and over again. They’ve had years of practice and training keeping you in your comfortable little box.
So you are going to have to knock them down, over and over again. You are going to have to explore this new land. You are going to have to be scared. You are going to have to fail and fall back into the place you came from. You too are going to have to get back up.
Everyone around you, everyone you’ve ever met, is going through this exact same scenario all the time. You are not alone.
Be honest with yourself. Be aware that letting your guard down can be a weapon in this fight. Being vulnerable got me past my blocker just long enough to get this written.